Before we begin, a short caveat: a little more than six years ago, when first throwing myself into the world of hardcore and post-anything, I was a fan of some terrible music. My CD and t-shirt collection was almost an homage to Trustkill Records. And for a time, I actually thought listening to Coheed and Cambria excessively might change my perceptions of life itself. I was what would eventually be known as a mall punk. At the time, Hot Topic was only beginning to stock albums from bands of this nature, instead filling the racks with Mudvayne and Slipknot albums. And yea, that did give those metal-core acts and Thursday rip-offs a little more "cred" than today, but I missed the simple truth: they suck ass. Though when stacking the talent of these groups against the current front-runners of the genre, bands like Finch seem like the fucking Beatles.
Which brings us to Chiodos. Yes, their tongues are placed firmly in cheek and their sense of humor is quite deft. I mean just look at these song titles: "Is it Progression if a Cannibal Uses a Fork?," "If I Cut My Hair, Hawaii Will Sink." Wait, I'm not in high school and my idea of winning over girls does not include reciting a repertoire of one-liners. The attempt at intellect here is disgraceful. Drawn out song titles are a thing of the past and the attempt at poetic lyrics is kitschy. They send the impression they were taken from an eighth grade girl's notebook rather than coming from a young man at the helm of a pen. Mr. Owens, you are no Bukowski, please remove all reference to his work. You're dragging it down.
And the music, it's just humiliating. I understand that teenagers everywhere are often in flux during high school, seeking to elevate their minds while also finding catharsis through music, but Bone Palace Ballet seems almost like pandering. The orchestral arrangements are cheap and the rapid-fire guitar chugging is just tired. Look at the evolution of bands like Poison the Well or Thrice. They pulled these same tricks and though it did seem novel at the time, they knew they committed heresy and abandoned such songwriting. Maybe I'm missing something here, but I can't figure out why Bone Palace Ballet nearly topped the Billboard 200 while thousands of other, better artists have to tour extensively just to break even. Oh wait, teenagers buy things on impulse and have a tendency to make poor decisions. Way to cash in on the brashness of children, boys.
Chiodos are a prime example of why Myspace, festivals like the Warped Tour, and glossy photo magazines trying to pass for journalism - I'm looking at you Alternative Press - are shitting on everything an independent music scene tries to create. They encourage bands to perpetuate the rock and roll façade while still waving a flag of down to earth accessibility.
Chiodos: How dare you soil the name of some excellent b-movie filmmakers? Equal Vision: I'm not mad; I'm just disappointed.
