I expected every webzine, music mogul, and rock print publication to give the newest Weezer album a bad review. I figured that Van Weezer - titled in tribute to, well, you know - was next in a line of punching bags that were guilty of not being Pinkerton. Well, fuck me - most of the big-name publication reviews have been boringly middle-of-the-road. Is this what pop culture critiques have come to? No, Van Weezer is not Pinkerton. No, it’s not the Blue Album. No, it’s not the Green Album or Maladroit. And it seems that critics have finally learned it doesn’t need to be (bully for them). However, that doesn’t make this album good, and these passable ratings don’t go far enough. Van Weezer is a bad album on its own merit, and I’ll fall on my sword defending that statement.
Don’t get me wrong, “The End of The Game,” which was Van Weezer’s first single (co-written by the swoopy-haired singer of Sugarcult), is a legitimately great song. It’s catchy as hell, the metal-solo gimmick works, and it has my favorite Weezer line of all time: “You got me cryin’ like when Aslan died.” (Side note: the music video is a trip and features a CGI-designed E.T.-looking character if E.T. was a stoned teenager from one of those weird anti-pot commercials. It’s bizarre and you should watch it.)
Aside from that, though, there are only like three other songs that might have replay value on this. Where Van Weezer fails is that it's just too hoaky for its own good. It’s not that each track doesn’t have redeeming qualities - after all, this is still a band that knows how to write cohesive songs. But the songs aren't good enough to hold the weight of the metal-tribute gimmick. For instance, there is literally a song completely constructed around the “Crazy Train” riff.
I’m not sure how Pitchfork gave this a 5.9 because it is at most a 4, but if history remembers the album differently they’ll probably just retroactively walk it back anyway. As for me, I’m going to hang my hat on a nice, solid, 3.5/10. Even if I had never heard Weezer’s previous music, I wouldn’t make myself sit through this album more than the number of times I had to in order to review it.
