The Dwarves are the greatest band in rock ‘n’ roll. Just ask them.
Never a group shy about their their stature, their lusts, or their eternal souls, Scene Point Blank reached out to frontman and occasional columnist Blag Dahlia to tell us about the inspiration behind their upcoming new records, the recently released Trailer Trash 7” and the soon to come LP The Dwarves Invented Rock & Roll, both on Recess Records.
This time Scene Point Blank passed the metaphoric interview microphone to The Meatmen’s Tesco Vee to lead the interview. Anybody familiar with the two bands should have an idea what the results were.
Tesco Vee: Being a tall dark and handsome punk front man (something I’m quite familiar with), what does it feel like to have all the other punk bands (besides The Meatmen) dog paddling in your musical wake?
Blag Dahlia: Punk rock superiority is a tough cross to bear, Tesco, as you well know. Being better than everybody else can weigh on a band’s soul sometimes, I can’t deny it. But we persevere secure in the knowledge that someone has to do it, and if not us, than whom?
Tesco Vee: Crime called themselves San Fransico’s Only Rock n Roll Band…The Dwarves are the self-proclaimed “Greatest band in the world.” Discuss the sociological and artistic ramifications of these proclamations.
Blag Dahlia: Our actual claim is that we are “Still The Best Band Ever.” It’s an alpha and omega, “We have always been the best and continue to be” kind of a sentiment. As for Crime, they did have one good single 40 years ago, and that is about the best San Francisco seems able to offer. Sad, really, but at least the food is good here. Now if only we could get San Francisco girls to comb their hair and put on an outfit every once in a while it might become a real city someday.
Tesco Vee: I love the new tune “Trailer Trash.” You have taken pop-punk with a visceral twist to a new level. Do you feel that toothless, meth mouth trailer park twats are an overlooked and as yet untapped segment of the fuckable fanbase?
Blag Dahlia: As a lifelong feminist I believe that all vaginas are worthy, it’s just that so many aren’t worthy of the Dwarves. Still, there is something comforting about a girl who wears the perfume of desperation and whose basement level cuteness is almost obscured by a total lack of ethics. Speaking of Detroit (and really, why bother ever speaking of Detroit?), the best trailer girl of all time has to be Kim Basinger as Eminem’s mom in 8 Mile. Spread that on some Wonder Bread and eat it!
Tesco Vee: You are taking an all night trip across the desert in a ‘57 Cadillac convertible with the celebrity of your choice and 2 albums. What would they be?
Blag Dahlia: The Olson twins circa 1997, Snoop Dogg’s Doggystyle for before the dope kicks in, Abbey Road for after.
Tesco Vee: The new album The Dwarves Invented Rock n Roll: bombastic to say the least, self-aggrandizing to the hilt. From whence came the inspiration?
Blag Dahlia: Everybody in the band had a song written except me. In fact, guys who used to be in the band and don’t even call me anymore had songs too, and it was time to make another record. So I came up with “Sluts of the USA” and “Gentleman Blag” and we were off to the races. When your band is more talented than you, it’s a struggle to keep up. And if anyone knows that feeling, it’s you, Tesco.
Tesco Vee: Every punk show in every city has the Superfan, who knows everything you have ever done or said on stage. I call him (or her ) “The Guy,” NOFX calls them “The Punisher.” They mean well, but how do you deal with this annoyance? Have you ever gone bat shit crazy on a fan?
Blag Dahlia: What cracks me up are the people who love the Dwarves so much they have to criticize everything about us. “Why don’t you sound like Blood, Guts anymore, where’s HeWho this time, why didn’t you play “Pimp” or “Satan” or whatever? I mean, I hate lots of stuff, too, but I don’t seek out the people who make it and explain to them why they suck so bad. I leave that to them and their analyst to pick over. And these are the people who love us and own three copies of everything we’ve ever done.
I’ve never been much of a fan of things. I’d rather do things. And I wasn’t a high school loser either, I was like Charles Manson, Jr., with an array of weird girls straggling in my wake. I don’t relate to fans--that’s Fat Mike’s job and he’s taken it all the way to the bank, bless his coke fueled heart. I never cared about fans unless they had their mouth wrapped around my balls and bought a t-shirt, too.
Tesco Vee: Every band has a city where they can do no wrong (J Geils had Detroit) In what town do The Dwarves poop golden turds time after time?
Blag Dahlia: Chicago, IL. We played our first club show at the Cubby Bear Lounge in 1983. We’ve lived in Cali for close to 30 years now, but I’ll always be an Illinois guy first, right down to my enormous jumbo char-dog. As they used to tell me back in the 1980s,”Get a job, ya fuckin’ jagoff!”
Tesco Vee: If I gave you $1,000,000 but you had to live in Salt Lake City 1 day more than half of each year, would you?
Blag Dahlia: I dig Salt Lake City. The girls are cute and have that, “I’m Aryan pure, please defile me!” look that I enjoy. Let’s face it kids, diversity is wildly overrated. And look for us in the upcoming sequel to SLC Punk. We just wrapped it last week.
Tesco Vee: Most fun you have ever had onstage?
Blag Dahlia: Watching HeWhoCanNotBeNamed piss on the heads of industry executives at the Roseland Ballroom in New York circa 1990. So much for a major label deal!
Tesco Vee: Worst experience?
Blag Dahlia: Going home with an attractive woman who smells bad. They really do fake you out sometimes. And you wonder, “Don’t you ever wash that thing?”
Tesco Vee: What does Blag The Ripper do for fun on a Saturday night?
Blag Dahlia: Teenage women and free cocaine! Why evolve when we started as the coolest band ever?