1. Beauty Shop
Nobody saw Barbershop 1 or 2.. so whos gonna want to see a 3rd one about make up and shit? I mean not to rag, but barbershops (or salons, as they are called in the suburbs) are not that exciting. I would know, my aunt works in one. I don't see how they could fill up five or six hours (keep in mind this is the third installment) with new and exciting things to keep the viewer entertained. I mean, how many times can a white dude get a bad haircut?
2. Son of the Mask
Doesn't even have Jim Carrey in it, every scene with the little boy is computer animated, and the dog has the mask for more than five minutes. And I got all that on previews alone. I don't think this needs an explanation
3. Hide and Seek
One of the few movies on my list that I have actually seen. And let me tell you, it was pretty scaryâ?¦ up until the ending. Then it was the worst movie of the year. Robert De Niro has split personality disorder? How unoriginal. I guessed this within the first couple seconds, but then reconsidered, giving the writers more credit than I should have. I mean sure it's a â??coolâ? plot twist, going in the direction of the not-so-popular-anymore M. Night. Shamalan, but its still lame and overused. And it doesn't leave the viewer scared afterward. When I went home and turned the light off to go to bed.. I didn't have to run.. because the only thing I had to fear was Robert De Niro hunting me down, and that still has yet to happen.
4. Herbie: Fully Loaded
Possibly a good movie for kids, I don't know yet because I have yet to see it. But I do know this about it: its made by Disney. Disney was only good at making animated films when Disney was alive, or his spirit was still alive (hence, The Lion King). Disney was never good at making movies with real life actors and making it enjoyable. Another thing is the fact that Lindsay Lohan is in this movie. She already had her 15 minutes of fame and now it is time for her to retreat to the underworld with Nicole Ritchie. Herbie just enforces this. Plus have you seen her lately? Ew.
5. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous
Couldn't find a good #5, so I just went with the obvious choice. I don't know anyone who has seen this movie, it might even be out on DVD now. I really don't care. The first one was okay. Sandra Bullock is annoying to me and I can only handle so much. And in the first Miss Congeniality it seemed like the mystery was solved and all was well, so I don't see how there could be a sequel. Plus, I still don't care.
1. Kelly Clarkson - Since U Been Gone
I'm convinced that this is the best pop song since â??Hey Ya.â? It's fun, catchy, and generally perfect. Hell, Ted Leo covered it and it wasn't as good as the original. That doesn't just â??happen,â? buddy.
2. The Game â?? Hate It or Love It
The Game's entire debut album is full of unnecessary namedropping - in this song alone, he mentions Tupac, Lloyd Banks, and Marvin Gaye. This type of thing can ruin certain hip hop songs, but not this one. It boasts some of Dr. Dre's best production ever, as well as the least retarded verse 50 Cent's ever done. The Game doesn't even need to be in this song. But I guess he doesn't hurt.
3. Kanye West - Diamonds
Not that I was expecting Kanye to suddenly start sucking, but hearing this song for the first time was a relief. It's immediately as memorable as anything on his debut, and probably twice as energetic. Plus a million points for sampling a James Bond theme.
4. Gwen Stefani â?? Hollaback Girl
I'm still not sure whether I love this song or absolutely hate it. I'm putting it on here just in case.
5. Usher - Caught Up
"Caught Up" has the two things that make any Usher song great. A rad beat, and lots of assorted voice wankery. The song is made even better by an awesome video, in which Usher rescues a dame from a room full of scary guys in suits. Then he beats them up in time to demonstrate some ill dance moves for hundreds of fans. Keen.
1. Best Band to Break up - Hot Snakes.
I bid farewell to one of the best bands to rock the face of this earth.
2. Best Transaction - Form of Rocket.
Form of Rocket? Shouldn't this be about baseball, or ebay? The mad cats out of SLC Utah introduced Gentry Densley where he was previously smashing assholes in Iceburn and Smashy Smashy, now he's doing it in Form of Rocket. Curtis is back as well, the humble Canadian fly fisherman who enjoys reading and telling stories left the band to hit up the trout streams and pursue more schooling. Form of Rocket is a band that is primarily focused on their music, without taking themselves to seriously. Their raw, energetic, creative, and challenging. They've released two solid albums, with both albums showing musical versatility and amazing talent. They love what they do and they tend to remind you what fun really is. Look for great things to come from this band and if you ever get the chance go see them, you won't be disappointed.
3. Best Trend - Suburban Rock (a.k.a., rich kids with small time problems).
There's nothing like predictable pop songs structured around extremely cliche lyrics about how we all take our razors and knives and mark our wounds over our wrist and hearts that've been blackend from our girl friends. Mediocre music at it's best is what I call it, it gets me all warm inside. If it wasn't Fall Out Boys - From Under the Cork Tree, or the Academy Is perfect hair dos, then it had to be my local venue booking these awesome bands every night. Chocking the place full of highschoolers and college kids all decked out in American Eagle, pink polo shirts with popped collars, perfectly parted or spiked hair white belts and bleached jeans. When I first heard my roommate blasting Fall Out Boy, something was just itching at the back of my mind. It wasn't that he was singing his heart out to this, It started when I was taking a piss. I started listening and I began to hear something, I couldn't quite figure it out. So I took another piss about a half hour later and indeed I concluded my piss did have more depth than Fall Out Boy. So my hat goes off to Fall Out Boy for making the worst music in new music, and to all the other bands out there weeding out good music at our local venue and the kids supporting it. Thanks.
4. Best news story- George W. Bush falling off his bike.
George was riding his huffy in Scotland and old George got excited and started exceeding speeds he never thought he could reach. He was going so fast he didn't have time to use his breaks or he forgot how to use them when he ended up colliding with a police officer. George fell off his bike and had minor scrapes and bruises while sending the police officer home with an ankle injury. Not only that, but bush didn't take responsibility for his actions, he blamed it on the sidewalk! Better get those brains checked, I mean breaks checked.
5. Best Game - Day of Defeat.
Day of Defeat is a first person shooter game based off of world war II for the PC. If you ask me it's a step from a lot first person shooter games. I know there is popular titles like Call of Duty and Battlefield, but this games is probably the funnest war based game I've played. You choose from either the Axis or Allies and everything based in the European Theater. There's a variety of weapons and levels to pick from and the graphics are outstanding. Some might see the only multiplayer option as downfall, but I've never really played the single player scenarios anyway. If school isn't challenging enough for you, pick up day of defeat at your local best buy or purchase it online. you'll have a tough time getting those grades. My friends at school introduced me to this game, going as far as giving me a free user name and password. Nice guys, right? This game could've been the death of me. I don't know how it wasn't but somehow I was still able to pull off a 3.5 GPA and play this game everyday. It's game I never stopped playing and either did my friends. I was late for class all the time because I though I could squeeze in 15 minutes of DOD. Good thing I like what I do and my teachers kinda like me. My free account expired this summer and it's probably a good thing for right now, although I heard they're coming out with a sequel this fall and that's when school starts again. I actually know of a friend who's brother was top ten in his highschool class, and almost flunked out of his freshman year in college because he would skip class to play these kind of games. His father had to fight to keep him in school. It ended up he's taking summer classes and is getting therapy for addiction. So if you're thinking I'm a loser.
Annihilation Time - II (Manic Ride Records)
II is essentially your favorite 70's rock-n-rollers all rolled into one with a little punk zest added to speed things up just a tad. I had only heard this band in name prior to this record and based on several recommendations checked them out. Needless to say, I was greatly impressed. Sure it doesn't reinvent the sound, but sometimes you get nostalgic for bands of yesteryear. So if you enjoy Black Sabbath, Motorhead, or MC5 you should purchase Annihilation Time, if you haven't already.
Gospel - The Moon is a Dead World (Level Plane Records)
With their debut full-length Gospel serves up a rather interesting mix of sounds. The band delivers a mix of abrasive metal, math-rock, and prog - sometimes all in the same song. And while their influences may be all over the spectrum, when they come together in form of song, it's stunning. Think of a mixture of Converge's chaotic time-signatures and The Mars Volta offbeat meanderings and you'd be along the right track.
Hella - Church Gone Wild/Chirpin' Hard (Suicide Squeeze Records)
For their third full-length, Hella decided to release a two-disc album in which each of the band's members did their own thing. Spencer Seim's disc, Chirpin Hard, is easily the better of the two. On his half, Seim mixes together math-rock, a variety of pop influences, and the occasional electronica element. I found this disc to be quite a relaxing listen and great for late night chillin'. On the other hand, I feel that Zach Hill's disc, Church Gone Wild, is a tad too disjointed. There are brief flashes of things that I like, but his drastic changes in tempo and style left me feeling a tad annoyed, which is odd considering that is all Hella is. So the under appreciation is directed at Chirpin Hard.
Rise and Fall - Hellmouth (Surprise Attack Records)
The stereotype is that Europeans are ten years behind us in the music department. So that means that they are currently in the year of 1995, a year in which bands like Faith No More, Kyuss, and Integrity are still alive and breathing. Sign me the fuck up! Rise and Fall draw immense influence from the latter of those three, playing metallic hardcore that will surely make you wish that the year was in fact really 1995. And while it is not nor can it ever be again, unless you have access to a supped up Delorean, this isn't exactly a bad thing. Hellmouth delivers us ten tracks of Ringworm meets Madball from these fine Belgians.
Tides - Resurface (Teenage Disco Bloodbath Records)
As of late there have been quite a large number of post-rock meets sludgy metal bands climbing out of the woodwork. This is likely in part due to the immense praise in the press for acts like Isis and Pelican. And while some can be written off as nothing more than amateur clones, there are those that are deserving of the title of peer. Three fellows from Plattsburgh, NY playing under the name Tides are just that. Their music is a nice mix of atmospheric post-rock and later day Neurosis, but the band also filters in a dash of Lateralus-esque Tool. The result is one stellar debut that I highly suggest you purchase.
1. Broken Flowers - It's Jim Jarmusch and Bill Murray, for God's sake, that's why.
2. The Aristocrats - A documentary based on the telling of a single joke that'll make you laugh or puke. Probably both.
3. The Brothers Grimm - Terry Gilliam, punks.
4. The Ringer - Johnny Knoxville pretends to be retarded so he can fix the Special Olympics. Best. Premise. Ever.
5. Grindhouse - Two one-hour long horror films. One directed by Robert Rodriguez, the other by Quentin Tarantino. I have nothing to add.