Blag Dahlia is the singer for punk band the Dwarves and co-hosts the podcast We Got Issues. Since forming in the mid-1980s the band has ruffled feathers and pushed limits musically and otherwise. As they prep for a pair of new releases in 2017-2018, vocalist Blag Dahlia returns to Scene Point Blank to share some of his most memorable (real or fake?) hate mail he’s received along the way—this time with a unique Dwarves take on recent Hollywood scandals and improprieties.
Blag Dahlia’s Hate Mail
I’m no stranger to sexual harassment, in fact I squandered five good years as Gwyneth Paltrow’s masseuse. Imagine my surprise, then, when I got this message from a lawyer retained by a former employee
Dear Mr. Dahlia,
As a direct result of her employment with the Dwarves, [NAME REDACTED] was subjected to cruelty and indignities resulting in crippling physical and psychological trauma. Despite her near constant pleas, you refused to sleep with her even once during her tenure at the company. Moreover, you maliciously withheld playful smacks on the bottom, invitations to private hot tub soirees and assignations in your private jet. Finally, there exists a complete dearth of naked selfies or lewd text messages suggesting that [NAME REDACTED]’s job may be in jeopardy if she doesn’t play ball.
My client feels there is no choice but to sue you and the entire Dwarves organization for blatant disregard of [NAME REDACTED]’s genitalia. We’ll see you in court.
Attorney at Law
Technically, Mr. Weinstein (no relation) is correct, but my intent was not malicious. In the early days of the company, I always made sure to sleep with (or sometimes just finger) any female employee under the age of 30, provided she passed a medical examination and knew all the lyrics to [i]The Dwarves Are Young & Good Looking[/i]. As years went by, lack of sleep, prescription medication, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and general rock induced fatigue combined to lessen my interest in sexual harassment, but knowing how much it meant to half of my workforce (and even some of the more effeminate dudes) I’ve never had the heart to give it up completely.
High powered, wealthy, substantial, creative, mysterious, brilliant, tempestuous, important folks like me who start successful companies have a special responsibility to throw some sugar to those working women who just need a good dicking after the day’s work is done. I’ve tried to be conscientious and diddle my willowy subordinates on every flat surface throughout our sprawling San Francisco office building, so that even when I’m off touring the world, they might at least encounter bodily fluids that remind them of their beloved boss (not Springsteen, me).
But I will admit, things have slowed down some in recent years and it’s entirely possible that I did neglect to service [NAME REDACTED]’s needs in the manner she might have liked. Heck, these days when I receive a midnight booty call from one of the gals in reception, HR or even accounting, I often let it go to voicemail, then just masturbate with the aid of some soiled panties nicked from the company laundry service.
Unresponsive though I might sometimes be, I refuse to feel shame for my actions. If there’s one thing all of these recent sex scandals have taught us, it’s that guilt without sex is the very worst kind.