The Armed Forces

wan•na•be [won-uh-bee, waw-nuh ] noun. Informal.
One who aspires, often vainly, to emulate another's success or attain eminence in some area.

The Armed Forces are a Nashville, Tennessee quartet that purports to be cool. They have shaggy dark hair ala The Strokes (or the Ramones if you’re keeping it old-school) and consider themselves ‘power pop.” Believe me when I say, my friends that they are completely and utterly powerless and if by “pop” they mean that “we are completely and utterly devoid of any substance or talent”, then yes, they are indeed still “pop.”

There’s a few bands around that hurt the ears upon listening, but very few manage to actually hurt your soul. The Armed Forces are such a band. They try so desperately to be Weezer and/or The Clash that you almost have to feel sorry for them. That is, until they piss you off. If you’re going to have the balls to title a song “Rock ‘N Roll Nigger (Part Two),” you better know what you’re doing and you damn sure better be able to pull it off. Close your eyes. Think about someplace you’ve never been. Think about how far away it is. Think about how out of reach it seems. Now get in a car and drive another thousand miles. Where you wind up is how close these zipperheads come to pulling it off. And it’s all packaged with a happy little punk-pablum sheen that it’s sure to sway hapless young innocents.

It’s frustrating to be a reviewer and write what amounts to a flourished (yet still, as hard as it is to believe, under-embellished) “boy, does this band suck” diatribe yet I feel this reaction of frustration to be perfectly valid. This is not a good band. Give them your pity. Hell, even give them your disdain and contempt but for the love of God do not give them your money. This is a five-song EP clocking in at around fourteen minutes. If you see it for a buck, you’re getting ripped off. If you’re given it as a gift, you’ll know this person obviously hates your guts. If you see it lying on the ground don’t waste your time going through the inner dialogue of, “Should I or shouldn’t I bend over and pick it up?” when you drop a penny at the grocery store. Just know that if you have this EP in your hands for any reason, you’ll be bending over.

0.3 / 10 — Kevin Fitzpatrick