Allow me to begin this recipe with a preamble. The outpouring of feedback over my last dish has been nothing short of shocking, primarily because my contact information was not posted anywhere, and I have no idea how anyone was able to track me down, much less how many of you were able to recite my social security number and a list of my greatest fears. For the record, mechanical pencils are responsible for LITERALLY tens and tens of deaths since 1978.
Your comments ranged from the well-informed- “Hey douchelord, your band sucks.” To the flattering- “Your food sucks, but you sound cute.” Regardless of the fact that my band does suck and I am in an open relationship (hint, hint, ladies, or guys who love Megadeth), one comment cut me to the bone- “If your next recipe doesn’t involve potatoes and a reference to a mediocre band, I’ll drive a Volkswagen full of C-4 into an orphanage. Also, get a haircut.” Mom, this one’s for you.
It’s an excerpt from my upcoming cookbook, titled “Cooking with Liberace”, and I lovingly call the dish “Thrice Baked Potatoes.” See, I already got the mediocre band reference out of the way.
Here’s what you’ll need to feed four:
- 4 Baking Potatoes
- 2 cups of Diced Button Mushrooms
- 1 healthy tablespoon Minced Garlic
- 1 Diced Bell Pepper (I don’t care what color if you don’t)
- 2 Habanero Pods, seeded and minced
- 1/2 Yellow Onion, diced
- 2 Tablespoons Vegetable Oil
- Vegetable Shortening (optional)
- Salt and Pepper to taste
Pretty simple, right? Before we begin, I understand that some of you have sand in your respective vaginas, and the habanero pepper is simply too hot for your palate. I have two suggestions for you. 1. Use a spoon to get that sand out before it turns into a pearl, and 2. Use Jalapenos instead. Now that you are thoroughly insulted, let us begin.
Bake the potatoes just like you would bake any other potato. I generally poke several holes in them with a fork, then coat them lightly with oil and salt and bake them for about an hour at 425. If you have another method that works for you, godspeed. When the potatoes are about 15 minutes away from being done, oil a non-stick skillet and sauté the mushrooms, bell pepper, garlic, habanero, and onion over medium heat. Hold o on salting the mixture until the mushrooms start to take some color. If you salt them too soon, it will wick out all of that delicious mushroom liquid. Chefs call it “liquor”, but I’ve tried, and it won’t give you a buzz, so let’s just call it mushroom liquid. Anyway, after the onions are soft and the mushrooms are cooked through, remove them from the heat. Hopefully this will be just around the time the potatoes are done.
Take the potatoes out and cleave them in twain. Be sure to leave the oven on. They are going to be very hot, so be careful. I suggest oven mitts. Once the potatoes have been bifurcated thusly, scoop their guts out into a mixing bowl and put the scooped potato skins back into the oven. The purpose of the second bake is to crisp up the skins. While the skins are crisping, combine the vegetable mix and the potato guts in a mixing bowl, and fold them together. It should only take a few minutes, ten minutes maximum, for the skins to become crispy and delicious. Generally, a few minutes after your other ingredients are mixed, it’s time to stuff.
Remove your potato skins from the oven, and spoon your spicy potato/mushroom/garlic/pepper mixture back into the skins. You should have just enough to slightly overfill each skin. Once I have done this, I generally add a small dollop of vegetable shortening on the top of each stuffed potato, just to add some fatty unctuousness, but it isn’t absolutely necessary. Put the stuffed potatoes back in the oven for roughly ten minutes, or until the top of the stuffed potatoes begin to turn golden brown. Remove them, top with vegan bacon bits and green onions and enjoy! I generally eat them while listening to “Frankenchrist” by the Dead Kennedys, but anything with East Bay Ray’s guitar playing will do.
