Feature / Regular Columns
Guest Column: Blag Dahlia - Prohibition

August 26, 2012

Guest Column: Blag Dahlia - Prohibition
Guest Column: Blag Dahlia - Prohibition

wine.jpg

blag_column.pngYou’re drunk and you stink and you love me. Must you tell me with your frothy lips half an inch from my nose, though? It smells like you ate a bag of shit dipped in tequila. And because you’re drunk I have to counteract the kindness and sincerity of your statement with the converse: I love you, ya fucking asshole! I love you, ya stupid faggot! I love you, but you guys suck donkey dick!

I haven’t been drunk since the mid-‘90s when I wandered into the New Orleans home of a young couple and puked on their living room rug on the way into their bedroom. Fortunately, they weren’t armed and guided me back to the street. Eventually, my guitar player found me and when he was done laughing, put me to bed. I felt for weeks like I had been poisoned and never had any desire to drink again.

I didn’t even remember the couple until years later when reading about Robert Downey, Jr. pulling a similar stunt in Los Angeles. It came back to me in a flood of revulsion. Now don’t get me wrong, I love to get fucked up, always have. Marijuana is my personal fave, but coke, heroin, pills, ecstasy, LSD, DMT, PCP, I’ve done them all. And I doubt I’ve been too brilliant on any of them.

But nothing matches the raw stupidity of a drunk. People on acid make inane observations. People on heroin rifle through handbags and sofa cushions, looking for spare change. People on weed talk about how stoned they got this other time they got stoned. None of it really passes for genius level activity.

But drunks take the cake in the annoyance sweepstakes, hands down. Every idiot that ever wanted to fight me was drunk. Every swerving, passing, honking car accident waiting to happen had a drunk behind the wheel. Every jerk off in the late-night drive thru that took fifteen minutes to order fries and a root beer was drunk.

I make my living in nightclubs and nothing makes the end of the night go slower than a drunk who thinks they’re amusing. They never are. And, usually, they own the nightclub so I have to pretend that they are until I get paid.

That’s why I’m starting an online petition to reinstate the 18th Amendment to the United States Constitution, commonly known as “Prohibition.” If this works, no longer will I be subjected to slobbering buffoons insulting my band and your intelligence. No longer will I endure the stupid observations, the obvious humor, the insufferable stench of alcohol as it courses through a moron’s bloated veins.

prohibition.jpg

I’ll be free at last of the inebriated females who knock at the door of my hotel room at all hours of the night demanding three-way sex with me and their friends, I’ll be free of the…

Wait a minute, perhaps I’ve been a bit hasty here. It is summertime after all. Alcohol sales help boost the economy. Booze is one of our only exports. And doctors have found that wine has lots of anti-oxidants, beer assists in white blood cell maintenance, and a nice aperitif can aid in digestion.

Ladies, have a drink on me!

--

BLAG DAHLIA - Rock Legend
August 2012

Blag Dahlia sings for the Dwarves (www.thedwarves.com) and podcasts at RadioLikeYouWant.com

— August 26, 2012

Guest Column: Blag Dahlia - Prohibition
Guest Column: Blag Dahlia - Prohibition

Related features

Mike Huguenor

One Question Interviews / What's That Noise? • July 8, 2025

Mike Huguenor Tell us about the primary guitars you used making Surfing the Web with the Alien? Read more

Scene Point Blank's Favorites: The Year So Far (July 2025)

Music • July 6, 2025

We're halfway through the year: when did that happen?! Luckily for you, SPB is on hand to share the music we've enjoyed most in 2025 thus far. Read on to hear about the records that have made our top list for this year as it stands, and also some bonus … Read more

Shane Herrell: A Tribute

Music • July 6, 2025

Shane Herrell: Rest In Power(pop) (1980-2025) The Rocker I try to live my life with as few regrets as possible. Sadly I never got the chance to hear my friend Shane Herrell karaoke Thin Lizzy’s "The Rocker." As a singing bass player we don’t have enough heroes. It might just … Read more

Unseemlier

One Question Interviews • June 27, 2025

Mike Assatly (Unseemlier - guitar/vocals) SPB: Do you have a preferred model of van for touring? Assatly: Chevy G-20 Gladiator! It was my first van, I got it from my uncle with 115,000 on it. He got rid of it for a new van because it was "old" and would … Read more

Dollar Store

One Question Interviews • June 26, 2025

Dave Slaverave (Dollar Store - bass) SPB: This band hits a lot of styles, all kind of overlapping at the same time. How hard was it to find “your sound” when bringing these influences together? Slaverave: Not very hard at all actually. We're all old-ass adults who've soaked in a … Read more

More from this section

Table Talk #18 – Preparing For Year End Lists

Regular Columns / Table Talk • November 22, 2024

I’ve talked about having a writer’s block this year. So when I set myself down (after a stern talk to motivate myself) I looked at this blank page thinking: what on earth should I discuss this time around? At first I thought I would put another couple of labels in … Read more

Guest Column: Jon Snodgrass

Regular Columns • November 6, 2024

Jon Snodgrass has been in the music industry and punk scene for the better part of 30 years, playing with bands such as Drag the River, Armchair Martian, Scorpios, and more. He currently performs most frequently under the name Snodgrass + Buddies, where he plays with a backing band of … Read more

Guest Column: Greg Jacobs – The 5 Sketchiest Venues I’ve Ever Been To

Regular Columns • September 27, 2024

Greg Jacobs managed the bands Big DRILL Car, Drive Like Jehu, Rocket from the Crypt, and Supernova and has worked at the record labels Enigma, CRUZ, SST, Cargo, Capitol (for one day), and Trust. He currently manages two of the aforementioned bands (even though they’re inactive), freelances for one of … Read more