I've been the main merch guy for Mustard Plug for the past 10 years. My schedule is pretty loose, so it allows me to do tours with them. I love the job. It's a lot of fun meeting new people, traveling to various states, and hanging out with my buds in the band.
The other weekend I did two local dates with them. The first was in our hometown at The Pyramid Scheme. When I rolled in before the show to set up the merch, it took me a minute to remember how to do this hahahaha! It had been nearly two years since I had been on the road with them. In the end, it was like riding a bike. No problem. Then the venue opened and people started pouring in. I also hadn't seen a lot of these people in two years. It was impossible to catch up with everybody, but I tried. That was a bit overwhelming.
Then things started to get squirrelly. There is a thing in the merch world called a "punisher". This is that person who just lingers around the merch table for most of the night. They touch everything like they've never seen merch before. Like, EVERYTHING. They ask questions about everything. They are unaware that there are people right behind them that actually do want to purchase something. They are energy vampires. They will suck the life out of a merch person. And I can't be an asshole to him, cuz I'm representing the band. Believe me, I really just want to tell him to F right off, but I don't. But I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to. Nine times out of ten, the little turd doesn't even buy anything CUZ HE ALREADY HAS EVERYTHING. Sigh. But I digress.
"I thought the silver lining on my dark cloud would be dipping my feet in the lake for the first time this year. Nope. The water was warm and full of algae. Gross."
On top of people that I absolutely wanted to see, there were just as many that I didn't care to see. Ex girlfriends, people with imaginary drama with me, a certain ex-bandmate. So now my anxiety is at a solid 6 out of 10. Because I'm a smart person, I'll add a bunch of booze to that anxiety. Cuz if the ship is sinking, I'm going to try to drown myself in booze before the water does it. Just to add insult to injury, the credit card scanner wasn't compatible with my phone, so i had to enter in every single card by hand. Do you even know what a pain in the dick that is?!
The bands were all fantastic, the crowd was amazing, I made some good tips. Overall a fun night until I walked out of the venue and I let my panic take the wheel. Walking home a couple miles in 85 degree heat slightly intoxicated probably wasn't the worst idea, as when I finally did get home, I passed out in my bed.
The next morning I met with the Mustard Plug guys and we played a craft beer festival out on Lake Michigan. Festival on a beach? This sounds amazing! I'm excited! That excitement lasted for the one hour van ride. It died right after that. Dragging bags of merch through the sand is a workout. I had to switch tents three times cuz nobody could figure out which tent I was supposed to be in.
The backstage area was all sand. Each band had their own tent. The problem with this is that Mustard Plug has six guys in the band plus myself. There definitely weren't seven chairs in that tent. I stayed out in my merch tent sitting on our vinyl case all day. Me being the smart guy I am, decided that black jeans and a button up shirt was a smart idea for a 90 degree beach day. The tent provided shade, but it was still miserable.
The people watching was fantastic. Some guy was dressed in a furry outfit. Like, a hairy pajama outfit. In 90 degree heat. Because it was a craft beer festival, that's pretty much all there was to drink. Thick, high ABV craft beer. People kept crowding my merch tent cuz it was the only spot that was shaded, so my view was mostly hairy dude butt cracks. Middle-aged drunk people kept asking me where things were. "Dude, I work for the band, not the festival. Yes, there is a band here. A few of them actually. The band I work for is a rock band with a horn section cuz I don't have the patience to try to explain ska to your drunk face right now. No I haven't seen your friend Becky. There are 5000 people here. I've never met Becky."
I really try to stay positive all the time. I thought the silver lining on my dark cloud would be dipping my feet in the lake for the first time this year. Nope. The water was warm and full of algae. Gross.
Mustard Plug finished their set to a crazy great audience of festival attendees who proceeded to try to mosh in the sand. That was pretty epic actually. I got tired just watching them. So we packed everything up, dragged the bags through the sand and proceeded to our van that was blocked in by three other vans. Eventually we got out and got home. Weekend over.
Would I do all of this again? Believe it. I forgot how amusing my nights of working merch actually are. And damn, I love a good story!
