Dear Blag,
Why are you so old and such a white man? Don’t you know that old white men are the cause of all the trouble in the world? Music itself was created by young people, most of whom never even got old and weren’t white either!
Every time the Dwarves sing something dirty, it’s like you’re molesting the ears of our nation’s youth. Singing songs about fucking underage girls is the same thing as rape, even though the police won’t do anything about it because the police are all sexist, racist, homophobic Caucasian troglodytes like you.
In the interest of promoting a safe space for the consumption of melodic sound waves we demand a renaming of the genre itself! The word ‘Punk’ has to go, as it rhymes with ‘Spunk’ and suggests masculine subjugation of oppressed gender variants. Even the word ‘Rock’ is bad because it rhymes with ‘Cock’ and might confuse teenage women still searching for their identity and personhood.
From this day forward we plan to picket all of your shows by having our band open for you guys at all your shows. Could you please put in a good word for us with the promoters? We’re called More on Women and we’ll have t-shirts, posters, coffee mugs and protest signs for sale at the merch booth.
Thank you and stop oppressing us right now,
Muffy van der Slute
More on Women
Olympia, WA
Dear Muffy,
How nice to hear from an oppressed person! I’ve often decried the sexism, racism and homophobia of the music industry, it’s just that no one ever noticed because making fun of those people was so much funnier. I actually voted for Jill Stein, read BUST magazine and still fear my mother. Also, I never fucked anyone who didn’t ask me to and I promise I never enjoyed it.
This whole ‘Blag’ thing is just an image I got stuck with in the 80’s, long before my first gender reassignment surgery. Of course, you and your entire band of very attractive and kind young people are welcome to open the bill on any Dwarves show you’d like. We’ll even donate our guarantee to the Islamist charity of your choice.
Just make sure you spell our name right on those protest signs. All that social media is money in the bank!
BLAG DAHLIA
The DWARVES
July, 2017
